Sunday, August 12, 2018


Big sister turned 10 yesterday. I spent part of the day beating myself up for getting more upset about the presents arriving in time than the tragic fact that he is not with us for this big milestone in her life. I think I have been really blocking my feelings on this one out of fear. I think some part of me still  believes I'm going to lose my mind about it all at some point. I just can't believe we are a family of 3 instead of 4. I don't think I will ever be able to believe it. She is such a warm, loving person, with no brother to spend it on. We sometimes spend time with siblings who fight but I just know they wouldn't be like that. In group someone said they were told "Don't idealize your dead baby." Fuck that. I know my kids.

We had a wonderful, full day yesterday. I'm angry and sad he missed it.

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