Thursday, April 23, 2015


wildly unreasonable, illogical or inappropriate; 
conceived or made without regard for reason or reality.


Holding a support group for bereaved parents of babies on a maternity ward.

People thinking that remembering and talking about your baby, or just saying your baby's name, will upset you when it's the opposite that's true.

Someone asking you if you want to hold their living baby after your baby dies because they honest to goodness think it will help you.

People thinking that healthy newborn babies who die just before they are born were "not meant to be".

Care providers and funeral directors thinking that a baby, and a baby's body, somehow belongs to them, rather than to the parents.

People claiming to be "at peace" with the death of a baby. Easy to do when it's not your baby.

People sending you their happy crappy Christmas cards without even a small note indicating that they recognize and acknowledge that this is maybe a particularly tough time of year for you.

A deceased newborn baby being stripped of her clothes in the hospital and being sent to the funeral home naked. Would this happen to an older child? Or an adult??

At first, thinking it was ok to not name him, or to "save" his name for the next baby.

Friends and family not claiming Toren as a person in their lives after he died, even though they all claimed him the moment they found out I was pregnant.

A sweet and precious newborn baby being referred to as "it".

Someone going out of her way to come up to you at a community awareness walk and making an ignorant comment about your tshirt with your baby's photo on it, and it doesn't even occur to that person to offer condolences.

Parents who have nurtured a growing baby and delivered their child, both labouring and witnessing, and then doubting that they are parents.

A newborn baby's body not being treated with care and reverence by hospital staff.

The phrase "born sleeping".

Healthcare professionals thinking that we really didn't want to see or hold Toren, rather than understanding that what we actually didn't want was for him to have died.

Media articles needing to explain the impact of stillbirth on families in great detail, something they don't need to do when they are reporting on the deaths of older children.

Parents not receiving a birth certificate for their babies who were born.

Having to use the word "dead" when I am talking about one of my children.


  1. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am so sorry for all the incredibly stupid comments people have made to you since Toren died. Praying for you and your family.

    1. Thank you, Janet. It's easier to write about the anger, but we have also experienced incredible kindness.

  2. "Born sleeping" irks me to no end. One wakes from slumber. Our babies won't wake. They're dead. Maybe if we quit with these damn euphemisms the impact will one day be made clear.

    1. Yes, born sleeping...I wish. Imagine if we could have just woken them up. It makes sense to me that the babyloss community has its own language (even "babyloss" I don't love) because we feel so isolated and it's kind of like embracing that isolation together, but it doesn't always work for me. I think the euphemisms perpetuate the silence in a way and as you say, obscure the impact.

  3. I recognise many of these absurdities from my own experience. Thank you for writing this here, collecting up these encounters, pinpointing the wildly unreasonable, and holding the line... It's so isolating sometimes, isn't it?
    Love to Toren and his family.

    1. Love out to your family too. We have also experienced kindness since Toren was born, but the absurdities seem easier to write about. Maybe that's another absurdity...