Thursday, June 13, 2013

Marked

I made an appointment to see a tattoo artist next week. My henna tattoo is starting to fade, especially after yesterday when I went swimming, and it's "re-traumatizing" me! Not really, but I do feel sad to see it fading and feel ready for something more permanent. I love the name of the studio: Birthmark. I was marked by his birth, permanently. The artist I spoke to is Filippino and Toren is one quarter Filippino so I like this addition to the story. One day I drove by the studio and noted the name, and then shortly after, a friend from the Still Life Canada team recommended that studio when I mentioned wanting a tattoo. Another one of those kooky signs.

After 17 months, I can anticipate a question here, and the answer is, I probably won't get one for my daughter. She marks me and changes me every day that she is alive. It has never occurred to me to get a tattoo for her and so I think this is the right way to go. I do have stretch marks from her and I love them. I know I'm supposed to hate them but I don't, I have always loved them. Some might be from him too but I don't know. I can't separate them, not on my body, not in my mind.

Tattoos seem to be a common part of belonging to the babyloss community. I have been inspired by some of the parents in my support network who have gotten tattoos in memory of their babies. Here is a beautiful video produced by the MISS Foundation at their conference last year:


A Part of Us from jimmycho on Vimeo.

Jewellery seems to be another common expression of love and grief for babies who have died. I love my MISS Foundation necklace with Toren's birthstone, and I also bought a memorial locket from Origami Owl which has become my favourite...except that it's missing. I'm sure it's not permanently lost, I just haven't found it yet! I got quite stressed about it one day and if they delivered to Canada, I would already have replaced it by now. Instead I impulse bought some jewellery from etsy. They are all hummingbird themed but I actually don't want to become crazy hummingbird collecting lady! It's just the mood I was in that day. The strangest piece I bought was a baby hummingbird skull ring. Yes you read that right.


These things, tattoos, jewellery, are so meaningful to people who have lost a baby, and yet so totally inadequate too. It gives me pleasure and makes me sad and feels pathetic and is so important. All those things. It gets confusing sometimes and then I am reminded by wise persons that we can hold multiple truths. This is a new concept to me and so I need regular reminding. The world promotes black and white thinking at every turn and it will take time, practice, patience, support to re-train my brain.

Looking forward to my appointment next week. 


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