Friday, June 21, 2013

Feel Awful & Humus

Just went to a falafel place for lunch with my daughter and the woman who works there asked if I have any other kids. I said yes I have a son but before I could finish she said "Oh good! That's so nice for her..." I cut her off as quickly as I could to clarify that I have a son but he died.  She was shocked, said sorry and started to talk about how her sister has 3 daughters but wanted a son and after 15 years finally had a son. I wasn't listening because I was pulling my phone out and was determined to show her Toren's photo. I finally showed her his photo and she stopped talking. I know she was shocked, I know I upset her, I never want to upset anyone about this. But it's upsetting, no way around it. I just had an overwhelming desire to "prove"...what? That he's a real person? That I'm really in pain? Not sure. I feel like I'm experimenting with telling my family's story. I don't think this will ever get any easier. I can see why people choose not to talk about their babies. The woman I spoke to was very kind. I do feel she was about to say something dicey when I said he was stillborn, who knows, but she started to say something then stopped and said, "I don't know what to say." It was actually a nice conversation, considering the subject matter. She said, "God will help you." I am not religious but I appreciated the sentiment behind it. I felt ok about the conversation. Good even. But suddenly I just needed to get out of there fast. 

Now we are at the library and I feel terrible. 


  1. I really admire your bravery. Too often I choose the route that's easier for the other person, but then I suffer for it later with guilt.

  2. I'm not a BLM, but I think the worst case scenario is that she becomes more aware of ppl in this world who have suffered a loss... And I don't think you did anything inappropriate. She asked about your children, and you shared your children with her. "I don't know what to say" was at least honest... I'm glad she didn't say anything hurtful to you! Maybe if nothing else, she'll go home and look up things to say to bereaved parents that aren't insensitive cliches.