Now we are at the library and I feel terrible.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Feel Awful & Humus
Just went to a falafel place for lunch with my daughter and the woman who works there asked if I have any other kids. I said yes I have a son but before I could finish she said "Oh good! That's so nice for her..." I cut her off as quickly as I could to clarify that I have a son but he died. She was shocked, said sorry and started to talk about how her sister has 3 daughters but wanted a son and after 15 years finally had a son. I wasn't listening because I was pulling my phone out and was determined to show her Toren's photo. I finally showed her his photo and she stopped talking. I know she was shocked, I know I upset her, I never want to upset anyone about this. But it's upsetting, no way around it. I just had an overwhelming desire to "prove"...what? That he's a real person? That I'm really in pain? Not sure. I feel like I'm experimenting with telling my family's story. I don't think this will ever get any easier. I can see why people choose not to talk about their babies. The woman I spoke to was very kind. I do feel she was about to say something dicey when I said he was stillborn, who knows, but she started to say something then stopped and said, "I don't know what to say." It was actually a nice conversation, considering the subject matter. She said, "God will help you." I am not religious but I appreciated the sentiment behind it. I felt ok about the conversation. Good even. But suddenly I just needed to get out of there fast.