Wednesday, February 06, 2013


The other day I was driving along with my daughter and I heard her suddenly say, "I wish Toren was alive." I said me too and asked her if something reminded her of him, or if she was just thinking about him. She said, "I was thinking about him surfing!" We had a little chuckle about that. I don't know if she knows that Pete has tried surfing and really enjoyed it. I don't know if she imagined Toren surfing as a baby (!), as a big boy or as an adult. Or as a puppy/mermaid/unicorn/fairy/princess (just drawing on her recent imaginings here). Then she said, "If he was alive, he would be coming on holiday with us." We are planning a holiday somewhere soon. She is starting to understand more of the implications of his absence. I think about her growing up and realizing all the things that he is missing for. All the family holidays and all her milestones. And also our every single day.

Thirteen months today. Every day is hard. The only comfort has been community. Thank you to friends old and new, near and far, for being our community.


  1. 1 year, 1 month. I remember your boy. My dad had a sister who was born and 1 day later died in hospital. He remembers staying with his auntie for a long time and when his mum did come home, he looked and looked for the baby. Where was she? No one talked about her in that moment. 64 years later we talk about baby Susan. His sister.

    1. Thank you for sharing your family's experience. So terribly sad. And so important that baby Susan's family remember her. This is the healthy way for families to move through their story - to carry our deceased loved ones with us.