On this day last year, he may have died. They are unable to be more specific than that he died one or two days before he was born. I feel sure I felt him move the night before he was born, but my doctor says no, that is unlikely.
At the hospital they asked - When did you last feel him move? Of course they need to ask that.
When we told people he had died, they asked - When did you last feel him move? It was like being repeatedly slapped in the face. And judged. And blamed.
At first I thought - at least he died peacefully. Consider a perfect newborn baby, ready to live outside his mother's body. Now cut off his access to oxygen. Is that peaceful? NO. If it happened to you - perfectly healthy, suddenly no oxygen - would you consider that a peaceful way to die? Or would you be frightened? confused? frantically trying to LIVE?
At first I thought - at least he was with me when he died. Maybe he heard my voice while he was dying. For sure he heard my heartbeat. But my voice was not helping. No soothing words because I did not know he was struggling, dying. My heartbeat was not helping. Just the steady rhythm until he heard it no more.
At first I thought - at least he was comfortable when he died. But amniotic fluid is not mommy & daddy's arms.
I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. We didn't know. How could we not know? But we didn't.