Friday, January 04, 2013

This Day

On this day last year, he may have died. They are unable to be more specific than that he died one or two days before he was born. I feel sure I felt him move the night before he was born, but my doctor says no, that is unlikely.

At the hospital they asked - When did you last feel him move? Of course they need to ask that.

When we told people he had died, they asked - When did you last feel him move? It was like being repeatedly slapped in the face. And judged. And blamed.

At first I thought - at least he died peacefully. Consider a perfect newborn baby, ready to live outside his mother's body. Now cut off his access to oxygen. Is that peaceful? NO. If it happened to you - perfectly healthy, suddenly no oxygen - would you consider that a peaceful way to die? Or would you be frightened? confused? frantically trying to LIVE?

At first I thought - at least he was with me when he died. Maybe he heard my voice while he was dying. For sure he heard my heartbeat. But my voice was not helping. No soothing words because I did not know he was struggling, dying. My heartbeat was not helping. Just the steady rhythm until he heard it no more.

At first I thought - at least he was comfortable when he died. But amniotic fluid is not mommy & daddy's arms.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. We didn't know. How could we not know? But we didn't.


  1. so true.. "how could we not know?" January 6 in 2 days, I will remember Toren and will light a candle for him this Sunday. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I'm not good at this but for some reason your post really touched my heart and made me cry today. ((hugs))

    1. Thank you, Anna, for your words and your tears and for lighting a candle for us. We will keep Alanna close in our hearts with Toren on Sunday. Hugs to you.

  2. Your post gave me chills. I have always wondered if my son just simply died peacefully or did he sruggled as the cord cut off his lifeline. I felt his struggling kicks about 6:00 AM and woke up. I wondered what was going on. He never moved again. I understand your grief. I feel a connection with you and your precious Toren. I'll think of you also on Sunday and light a candle. Hugs....

  3. We won't be with you in person on the 6th but Ruby and I will light a candle for Toren too tomorrow. We're sending all our love out west this weekend. xoxo

  4. Sending much love to you.

  5. Your post tore through my heart like thunder. Thoughts that I pushed down with so much struggle surfaced back in a flash. Your every word is so true, so raw, it's hard to comprehend.

    I can't believe this is our reality. I can't believe our kids died. There is no consolation. Nothing will make their death better.

    I'm so sorry...