Change is not fun. It's difficult. But then you emerge. How long does this take? Who knows. I don't know (yet) if it gets easier or if you emerge as a "better" person. But you are different.
Toren changed not only our lives. He changed the lives of our friends and family, whether they realize it or not, whether they can acknowledge it or not. He lived and he died, and when you do that, you impact the people who care about you. That means those friends and family are going through a change now too. It's not fun. It's not easy. It's confusing and painful. It can feel like those relationships are fracturing, rather than transforming. Some won't survive but the ones that do will be different. Some have to find a way to work because of circumstance. Easier or better, I don't know. But definitely different.
Nobody wants to be pushed to change. We do things when we're ready. But I didn't have a choice. I was pushed. When he died I was pushed out of the life I knew. I wasn't ready. I'm still not. But it's happening whether I want it to or not. And now I'm pushing other people. I don't want to but I don't have a choice. I'm not doing it for any other reason than that. And they are pushing back. I would too. I understand this. And I hate it. I need to protect myself. But I don't want to protect myself from change. That would be much harder. And totally pointless.