Today for the first time since Toren was born, we went back to the maternity ward. I wanted to meet Amelia's baby brother and see how the parents were doing. We went with Scarlett's parents. I can't imagine a better set up for having to go back there. It was an intense, emotional visit. Tears of sadness, tears of joy. Amelia's parents were overjoyed, bursting with happiness and so in love with their beautiful son, but also feeling more fully the loss of their baby girl. Her picture was there at the bedside and we got to take a family portrait of all of them. A family of four, with the eldest child very much missing.
For me, walking back onto the ward where we had had to leave Toren was surprisingly ok. I think part of my brain was shut down, the part that links past with present. I saw the room where I sometimes went for my OB appointments. I looked into the assessment room at the bed I was lying in when we were told there was no heartbeat. There was a woman in the bed, husband by her side. I felt blank. The only thing I couldn't do was look at the nursing station. Whenever I walked by it, I kept my eyes straight ahead. I think I was afraid of seeing one of our nurses. I think that would have pushed me over the edge but I don't know for sure because I wasn't even tempted to test it.
Everything that was true the day before Amelia's brother was born is still true. Nothing has changed about that. But now, there's a new piece to the story. Joy. A living baby to take home. A child to raise. He will know his big sister.
Life is so unfair sometimes. And so beautiful.