The next day, I felt able to do it. I don't know what was different. It was just a different day I guess. I put two hummingbirds up and it feels ok. One of the mothers from our support group gave us a red sparkly hummingbird with a 'T' on a ribbon around its neck. I love it. So thoughtful. I got the other hummingbird in Arizona when we went to the MISS Conference. I have more ornaments for him which I hope to add soon. I didn't mean to have so many ornaments for him, it's just how it turned out.
I'm inching through this season and doing pretty well, I think. I guess. I don't know. It does make me angry and sad that instead of getting to enjoy Christmas with our 11 month old, I just buy him ornaments that somehow represent him. I feel indescribably sad about that. It's like instead of winning a house in Hawaii, you get a fridge magnet that says I ♥ Hawaii. It's such a stupid comparison because it's so much worse than that - it's my child. One of my children is just not here.
I'm thinking of buying a real tree, a little one just for him. I saw some at the grocery store the other day. We have all these ornaments now. I asked one of my friends if we could plant the tree at their cabin after Christmas. I want to tie one of the ornaments to the top of it so that, as the tree grows, it will rise up up up towards the sky.
Today I was thinking about whether Toren would have been furniture-walking by now. Our daughter started walking at 10½ months so maybe he would have started early too. Or not. It upsets me that I don't know and will never know. He may have only been crawling. He would probably be fascinated by the tree and be pulling at the decorations and getting into major mischief. I would probably be frazzled by it and just want him to leave the tree alone. Today, everything is still and quiet. It's a daycare day for her and I'm just here alone, looking at this tree with lights and decorations. There's no one for me to scold or distract or take care of.