Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year

I can't believe we are facing a new year already. I don't feel any joy in it, just an uncomfortable tension. It is another milestone to get past. I know tomorrow is just another day really, another day without our boy, but there's something about the changing of the calendar that seems to emphasize his absence. Time marches forward and we have to figure out how to carry him with us. As another babyloss mother said to me - we can never put them down. Nobody can take them from us for a while like they could if these babies were alive. For a break. People say he is always with us but they have no idea what a burden that is.

Last year when people asked me what my new year's resolutions were, I said, "Have a baby and floss more." The flossing was sort of a joke. (My dentist would say no it's not.) I had a baby one week into the new year, so that part came true, but when he died, I stopped being able to take good care of myself. It's something I still struggle with although it has gotten better. I like Dr Jo's idea of new year's "intentions". Much more reasonable. I do have intentions regarding this grief, of continuing to be mindful of it and of not being influenced by other people's ideas of what it should be for me. Also helping our family through helping others. That one seems to work for me when I am able to. Tapping into gratitude and self-compassion whenever possible and not beating myself up too much when it's not. I've been reading about acceptance but I'm still not really bothering with that one. I can accept that he is dead (I know people worry about that) but I will never accept that he died.

Christmas day was hard. Peter managed to give our daughter the Christmas she deserves but I was in and out.

Wishing everyone who is struggling moments of peace as we face the new year, and hoping the breathing is a little easier in 2013. xo

2 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry your baby Toren was stillborn. My son, James,Jr. was too. It hurts. I am sorry you are hurting. Helping another mom of babyloss helps. Please accept my deepest sympathy.
    Gale (@Fittsie)
    My blog is:
    www.galefitts.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Hi Gale,
      Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story and your beloved son, James, Jr. I've been reading your blog and can't believe what you have had to endure. It's so great and so important that you are speaking out now.
      Warmest regards,
      Andrea

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