The planning of Toren's memorial service is really starting to stress me out. It's adding to the grief of Christmas without him and also to the buildup leading to his first birth day. I want to do it. I do and I don't. I'm dreading it. But I want to do right by him. All year I've dreaded doing certain things, but then when it happens, I'm always glad I did it afterwards and can even feel pretty content during the event. It usually turns out to be a relief. I'm sure this is what will happen on January 6 (well, I don't know about "content") but I only know it rationally, based on recent past experience, not emotionally. I can't feel these things in advance.
The notice for the service is pretty much the third hardest message I've EVER had to send out in my entire life. The first one was the notice that he died, the second was the autopsy report (something NO parent should ever have to deal with) and now this, his funeral notice. I sent it as far and wide as I could, just as I would have done when he first died. I couldn't face a funeral then. I can't really face it now, but somehow, it's happening. People say we do things when we're ready so I guess this is my feeble version of "ready". It's all there is so I'm going with it. I don't expect people to travel for it (although some friends are), I just wanted everyone to know that it's an open service. Anyone who wants to attend to grieve this child, this person they were looking forward to meeting and welcoming into their lives, should come.
Big thank you out to the friends who have RSVP'd, whether to say yay or nay. I didn't realize what a big deal it would be. It's been surprising the people who haven't responded at all. By "surprising" I mean hurtful and difficult to deal with. I had the same experience when I sent his photo out and then with our awareness walk. I also sent individual emails to certain friends reaching out and just never heard back, ever. It didn't occur to me that people I consider friends could just ignore these things. I know it can be hard to know what to respond but trust me when I say, it's about a million times harder for me to send out in the first place. So a big thank you to those who have been able to show courtesy, compassion and respect to our family in the face of your own discomfort.
That has been one of the really tough things about this path - the unexpected things you have to deal with as a grieving parent. Missing him from our lives every day would be enough. But it doesn't work that way.
(If you would like to attend but didn't receive the notice, sorry for the omission. It was not deliberate. Just email me and I can send it to you.)