Thursday, November 08, 2012

Seeing

One of the 'interesting' things that happens when your child dies is that you see the world differently. Sometimes this happens literally! Yesterday, Toren's big sister found this leaf with a baby's hand print on it.


This new way of seeing things makes me think of the movie The Matrix, where Keanu takes the red pill (or is it the blue pill? I can never remember.) It opens his eyes to how the world really is and he can never go back. I don't believe that's really a baby's hand print, but I do believe that my life changed suddenly and forever when my son died. I'm trying to embrace all aspects of it, and seeing a hand print in a leaf is one of the easier aspects to embrace. The lighter side of death, loss and longing if you will. This seems to be a common experience among parents whose children die. Some people call them "signs". Signs that their child is still with them. Some people believe their child is sending them messages; for others, it's simply a reminder in nature and goes hand in hand with the sadness.

Like in The Matrix, the real world is no longer sugar-coated. I can never go back to the place where babies don't die after that magical 12 week mark of pregnancy, nor even after they are born if they are born alive. That part is not so comfortable. But my eyes have been opened to seeing other things that would not have been visible to me on that other path, the one where he doesn't die. I'd rather be blind to them and just have him with me, but since I can't, I will take the signs.

Grateful for the cookie and for the friends who shared it

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