Thursday, September 27, 2012


I have had many friends comment that they wish they could help me or they don’t know what to do to help me. I know that most people, when they sat down to write their condolence email or card, were thinking, oh god, what do I say? It’s been such a struggle figuring it all out for myself and for my family that figuring it out for other people requires extra energy that I often just don’t have. I wish I could write the helpful-post-to-end-all-helpful-posts on the subject but all I have are bullet points. It’s just a short list. A longer version exists, but even thinking about it makes me want to stop before I get started. These may not even be in the top 10 (except for the last point, it might be #1), they’re just the ones I’m thinking of right now.
·         Read up on stillbirth and help raise awareness whenever you can.
·         Talk to your children about death. Help them know about Toren and his place in our family. Show them his photo.
·         Let your kids see you cry when you are sad. Hiding sadness and tears from children is like telling them it’s something to be ashamed of and hidden away. Feelings are for sharing.
·         Try not to be afraid of grief. This one is hard! I struggle with it myself. Try to feel it as much as you can when it comes, without trying to escape to a happier place too soon. We are supposed  to be sad about some things, as much as that sucks. That is part of the deal of connecting with each other.
·         Reach out to others.
·         Read up on grief. Try to file many of your grieving friends’ behaviours under Not Everything Is About Me.
·         Do not abandon your grieving friends, even though it may seem at times that they have abandoned you.
·         Let yourself be transformed by your love for a child who has died.

1 comment:

  1. I love the last point especially. Beautifully said. So true.